I blocked my dad on everything. I had a great day yesterday, and I went to the Aims ACT play. I turned off my phone during. I left for intermission and turned it on. My mom had texted me twice, telling me to call my dad immediately, and my dad sent six, telling me to call him immediately. I call him, and he very seriously asks me if I've been talking inappropriately to underage boys and that there's a picture of me. I get riled up and start yelling into the phone, defending myself. He says he'll send me the screenshots and to not contact anyone involved. He sent the screenshots. It was Columbia's cult mom who told my dad to tell me to "stop talking to her son." It says nothing about Columbia being underage or ANYTHING. She isn't. She is 20, was in the navy, and lives independently. 

I got mad at my dad and told him not to do that again. He says, "Listen.  The fact you are being so defensive is bullshit" I am riled up the whole night. He says Columbia looks like a drug addict. After the show, I took my two friends and shared what had happened with my friends. I began to sob. I blocked my dad on everything. I keep sobbing. I decided I was going to act out and record a dream I had. In this dream, I had a psychotic episode and woke up outside Mount Rushmoore alone. 

I got my camera stuff, my duffel, my backpack, and I got in my car. I turned everything off except my music and maps. I started driving. I was worried about scaring or pissing people off, so I texted my grandmother and friends, "I'm going to disappear for a period of time. I don't know how long, I will be okay." I kept driving, and I started to hallucinate.  I saw animals running out into the road and forests appearing around the road. I got tired and pulled off to the side of the road to sleep. I slept for a short time and woke up wanting to go back home. I started driving home and would stop to take videos and pictures.

I'm in a manic episode. Friday night, I was going to Denver to visit Aila. On the way down, I decided to visit Arizona to see my dad. It ended up aligning with his birthday. I wanted to be told no, so I started calling people. I called my dad and said I wanted to visit him that night. He told me about the weather and asked what my plan was. Next, I called Ash. She asked me similar questions about how I was doing it, if I had the money, and to be safe around the republicans. I called Clair, but she didn't answer. I called Aila and asked if she wanted to go, and she said yes. I went to her place, helped her pack, then we got in my car and started driving.

Coming down from Golden, I got a speeding ticket. The long trip was starting to get to me. I was getting exhausted and angry. We got to Aila's and slept for a bit. I woke up and felt like I NEEDED to get home, so I quickly left and got home.

Today was the worst in a while. I realized people don't put effort into my relationship with them. It's all one-sided, not that they are using me, but I'm the only one doing the heavy lifting. I got upset, and it made Aila upset. She started burning up inside while I was getting angrier. I went off my way and laid in the grass. I took some pictures of the sky. I returned to where I had seen Ash and Aila last but couldn't see them. I went back to my car. I was in a sad and angry stupor. I sat in my car and started listening to music and watching TikTok. 

Ash noticed me and texted me, saying Aila was distraught. I went off on her about how no one likes me or cares. Aila came over at some point and I broke down into a seething and sobbing fit while hitting my steering wheel. She began crying out, "I'm sorry." Over and over, as if she did anything wrong. I didn't see, but I heard, and she told me she smashed her glasses and phone and started hitting herself. I sat in my seat and had my fit while she had one next to me. I gave her my 2nd phone, and I went home.

I worked, and then I went and did a blood work appointment and a psychiatrist appointment. I scored a six on my estradiol. It's meant to be around 200 or 300. My psychiatrist is changing my lamotrigine to extended-release lamotrigine.

I met up with Evelyn and went to Glenmere Park to meet with Emilee for her flame performing practice. Proxy and Columbia showed up, too. We hung out for a while. I took pictures and videos. Her other performers took a long time to show up, so we ordered pizza. Eve, Columbia, and Emilee rode a bit on the longboards. It was so nice. I've been trying to replace my connection between Glenmere Park and Epiphany.

After some time, the other performers started showing up; right when they did, Proxy and Columbia left to get drinks. They came back and we spent the rest of the night drinking, sitting around a fire, socializing, and watching the performers practice. I recorded videos and took long exposure pictures.

I spent the day working and then went to class. Aila told me Ash and her were coming to  Greeley. I met them on my break briefly and kissed Aila. I went back inside and finished class. I went with them, and we went to Sonic for the 2nd time that day, each. We went to Glenmere Park, and it was horribly windy. I took some pictures, we walked around, and then they dropped me off at my car.

We drove off, when I got home I realized I dropped my phone in their car. I spammed Aila on discord and luckily they took a route closer to my home, so they got to my house within 10 minutes and returned me phone.

It feels like everything is falling apart all the time. Yesterday, I told Clair that I feel like I'm discussing my problems too much. She asked me to stay the night with her. I went over, and she was distant and weird. We talked about attachment style. All day things were off. We go to Akihabara arcade for an event we planned. We get there and I'm tweaking. This was our third event as a big group, trying to get everyone to get to know each other at least loosely. Overall, it went great. At some point we notice Wynne isn't there. I go outside and she is around the corner, on the edge of crying. She has a hard time communicating but she talked about how she is jealous of other people being able to make and have relationships. We continued to talk about things, before I went back inside. Clair says that they are all going to go get tacos at a nearby Mexican food place. Eventually we all go over, and they are just all together.

Christmas is horrible. Every year, it's terrible. The only good one I've had since I was a kid was with Nadia, and then I worked Christmas day. I was getting sad. I had just broken up with Epiphany, and all my hang-ups on Nadia returned. I miss her a lot. I went to my Aunt Marty's and lay on the couch, trying not to cry. Food was ready, and everyone was getting ready to eat. I left without saying anything. I ignored my family on my phone. Ash invited me to her to eat with her family and Aila. It was pleasant and refreshing and made the day not so horrible.

Epiphany and I went back to Glenmere Park. We spent a while in the dark together, and I also took some photographs. When I think of this park, I think of a purple haze and little magic sparkles. It was extremely cold, and she helped me do some pictures of us, the water, the birds. The magic of the first night with her couldn't be captured.

Epiphany wanted to take me to Estes Park. We drove up there, and it was gorgeous. I'd never been there, at least as much as I can remember. It was beautiful the entire way, winding up the mountains along the river. We got up there, and it was this highland with a golf course and a beautiful town built along the hill. There were horses, tons and tons of geese and elk. We parked beside a parking garage just off the golf course and walked down to it. Another photographer with a huge lens was there, taking pictures of the elk. We walked up along the creek under a bridge, then another bridge where I got some really good pictures of her and some of me. We continued along the back side of the creek-side strip. Epiphany got some jewelry and got a call from her dad. We went back to the vehicle and drove down the mountain. We stopped for a movie. We saw My Hero Academia: You're Next. I was laughing at the Movie the entire time. It was ridiculous. After, we went to her place.

I fucked up yesterday, and I fucked up a lot. I asked a lady I am involved with in the theater group to hang out. She said maybe. She made plans with another girl before me to get dinner and graciously invited me to go with them to Olive Garden. Another girl came with us. We get to the restaurant, and I order chicken gnocchi. It arrives, and it states horrible. It tasted like when I threw up. I wouldn't stop talking about it, cracking jokes about it the entire time. We left, and they didn't speak to me the whole time. She takes me to my car, and I leave.

I don't know what got into me, but I thought it'd be good to start "ego-moding." I get home and get on the computer with Quinn, Nia, and their friends. For too long now, I have been begging this one guy to date and F#%& me. He'd repeatedly told me to stop, and I wouldn't listen. It was the worst it's been tonight. I don't know what's gotten into me. Tonight, the same thing happened; he wanted me to stop. The entire night I had been "ego-moding." I was acting as if I was the only person that mattered. I even said it. "I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm the only person that matters." 

Quinn said, "You have 10 seconds to leave, or I am kicking you." I left. I realized how badly I fucked up, but I wanted to keep ego-moding. I downloaded Grindr and started talking to the men there. I insulted and degraded them. I noticed this pretty trans-woman named Epiphany on there, and we started talking. We were getting along, but I still felt horrible. I asked her to hang out with me. It was already 10:30 at night. We organized to go to Glenmere Park. I got there, then I saw her. She was wearing these grungy clothes. We walk around the park and talk around for hours. We lay in the grass and sat in my car. I asked to go home with her, and she let me. I ended up getting to bed at 5 in the morning. I, at some point, went home.